• chowesther

It's Not About the Nail!


This is indeed a funny clip. It signifies one's yearning to be heard and understood but also one's yearning to help and ease pain. Emotional connection is essential and most often it needs to come first in all constructive conversation. In the above case, the husband is trying so hard to put aside his urge to fix and just listen to his wife telling him her pain. For a lot of people it is tremendously hard to hold when it seems so easy to provide a solution and solve a problem. But I would say-- if, only if, the husband can stay on the course, acknowledge and validate his wife's pain, then gently invite his wife to explore together with him the root of the pain, the conversation can be turned into a more emotionally connecting and constructive conversation. Perhaps the husband can say something like the following:


"It must be so hard to carry this pain all by yourself. It hurts when I see you in such pain." (Empathy)


"That's awful. No wonder you're so frustrated." (Validation)


"How long have you been hurting like this? Tell me more..." (Curiosity)

" I actually notice something that might be related to your hurt, but I am unsure about it. Would you want me to share that with you? Is it a good time?" (Invitation)


"I am so sorry that I might have said something that made you feel like I am trying to fix you. Let me try again." (Repair)


"It's alright. I see you're hurting. Perhaps it's not a good time to talk further. Let's come back to this when you feel a little better and want me to share with you." (Repair)


Communication is a piece of art and there's no simple formula. But when you're willing to invest your heart in it, your relationship will flourish and bring forth blessings to our next generations.